Sigh... college contacts, and the contacts that have resulted from those contacts, have gotten me down. Y'see, I really regret going to college. At all. How the fuck was I supposed to know when I was 18 what I wanted out of life? My parents wanted me to take a year off, travel overseas, but I just went to the school that my dad worked for. I'm the type of person that derives the most fulfillment from tangible, solid tasks. Most things you can go to higher education for are very intangible. I recognize the value of education, of course... I just wish I'd educated myself for something I would be happy doing. Mechanic, or machinist. Something with a solid outcome. I would be so happy at my grandparent's farm, working with my hands, hard labor in the sun... good, honest work. I'm reasonably happy doing generic office chores and database maintenance, but I have this nagging guilt that I'm being paid for bullshit.

At any rate, I never felt like I fit in at school. Pampered, snobby rich kids, in this case filled with self-righteous idealism, whose ideals would never play out in the real world because they had no real understanding of how most Americans are. It's the same with Eminem. All my ivory tower queer friends are aghast at the thought of liking him, as if they've ever listened... but I love his music because I know far, far too many people that he is speaking for, and it makes me thankful for what I have. The kids at school certainly didn't pay their way through college working at a paper mill, or anywhere else... they flitted across Europe for the summer. Most of them had never worked, ever. I remember one guy, though, who paid his way through school with the G. I. Bill. He had killed folks in Panama to get to school. That guy was zero bullshit.

My feelings of disparity manifested as angst, and I would sent all kinds of bad vibes towards people who were simply frolicing in the luxury they didn't know they had. It wasn't their fault, where they came from. They were all good people. It was academia as a whole that pissed me off, this bizarro bubble where bullshit is rewarded. Where people don't have any real problems, so they make up their own. As shitty a town as Dayton, Ohio, is, I was so much happier there than at school... even though the people there didn't have any dreams, and got arrested for stupid stuff, and generally fucked up their lives... I wish I could explain it. I think I'd be a lot more at peace with myself if I could.

So, I've discovered, high school bullshit extends into college, and extends beyond it. The business world is not exempt. Again, people without problems will come up with problems to fill the void. It's like in The Matrix, how humans weren't happy unless there was misery in the world.

I hid myself from the high school bullshit for a long time, and now I'm only peeking back into that world to see that it's still going on. For one, all of these folks from college seem to move to cities and hang out with the same old people they went to school with. I mean, didn't I move to a city to meet several million other people? I like to have friends who are young and old, liberal and conservative, white and non-white, gay and straight, and so on. I feel trapped when everybody I know is the same. My friends, now, are from all walks of life, and have taught me a lot about who I am. A valued couple in Nebraska, a Lutheran preacher and his wife. I am as atheist as the day is long, but their lifestyle has taught me a lot about how to live mine. A crusty professor in New Zealand who has shown me how to keep my sense of humor until I'm 89, and to remember not to give too much of a shit about what others think. A kinkster in NYC who, while showing me more than I wanted to know about S&M, certainly helped me examine my own sexuality and needs. And shown me that no matter how busy my life gets, there are others who manage to keep even more balls in the air. Many, many more, from all over the globe, who I could never list completely. For those who read this, thank you for enriching my life.

Yet back in college land, folks are still using the same lingo and telling the same inside jokes as they were back in the day. Pulling the same cliquey bullshit. There's another curious phenomenon going on. Years after graduation, all of my college friends are dating other people from college. Now, if you met in school, and have dated since, that's normal. Heck, I'm doing it now. But if you didn't date them in college, the time where you had nothing to do but flirt and fuck, why now? Have they met no interesting people since then? Are they like, safe, because they can at least talk about old times together, instead of bearing the burden of coming up with new conversation topics? This has happened many, many more times than I can count. It's the latest trend. It's kind of scary- all these people move to far-off cities, and the only datable people they meet there are the ones they went to college with?

And oh, the passive-agressivism! Tried it, didn't work, made me miserable. For example, how passive-aggressive is it to trash someone on your website? Come on. As if they're not going to read it. It's especially funny when it's coming from someone who is always spoken of in terms of what a pain in the ass it is to be their friend, because of exactly the same things that they're accusing the other person of. I dipped my toe back into this drama, and while it hasn't hurt me any (as I have Photon Drama Sheilds in place at all times now), it's made me sick to my stomach that people I like haven't grown up any.

Then there are the ones who are good through and through, and you feel regret for not calling them enough. Or the ones you can pick up with right away as if years haven't passed. Or the ones who you were never that close to, but are interested in what you've been up to, just out of curiousity. If only I could apply a life filter, and leech all the crap out of that college crowd, and interact with each one of them directly, as friends, with good will, and wish them all the best. And leave it at that.

I'm going home this weekend. It's been too long since I've had a home-cooked meal at my parents'. I'll visit some folks from college, some folks from the hometown (as they are located in the same place), and my brother, who doesn't so much as have an email address and would rather be fishing in the rain than sitting inside doing anything. Friday night I'll pop in on the old roleplaying gang, as they'll be sitting around the poker table playing D&D, just like they have every Friday night since 1979. I'll visit some alums who are coming back in for the weekend, and some that never left, having been sucked into the black hole a college town can be. I'll look up the high school buddies who went the wife and kids route rather than the college route.

All of them have chosen their own path, and it's not a path that's for me. I don't hold it against them that they've set down roots. I feel sorry for them, sometimes, but then again, it can't be so bad. If it was, they woulda left. But by the time Sunday rolls round, I'll be yearning for my new life, where self-preservation is a full-time occupation, and nobody has enough free time to pull the drama shit. If I had a time machine, I'd love to go back in time: The past is a fun place to visit, but I wouldn't wanna live there.