Last Friday's evening of Mexican music has got something rattling around in my head that I can't quite get down. I've started this post three times but gave up twice, not knowing how to express the issue. That night, we heard a lot of that salsa/techno music that the gueys play when there's a mixed crowd, and it was a stark contrast to the soundtrack to the rest of the weekend, which was Tenacious D, the Best Band That Ever Existed, Ever (shown at right). What I'm trying to figure out is why the rest of the world seems incapable of producing quality rock'n'roll. And I'm not talking about this rap-rock fusion that's been going around- hip-hop has its own place, and imitation hip-hop is particularly sad, especially when clowns are involved (I met ICP back when my momma was a baby, and they were a buncha dorks- Eminem was right to whup their giant honking Sir Widebottom asses). I'm talking power ballads, Skynryd and Ozzy and Led Zep- the music that makes life livable for the mulleted masses that ARE America, as much as the coasts would like to pretend otherwise- and the few, rare bands that still carry that torch, such as the D here.
I DO NOT want to come across as saying that the rest of the world has no rythym. Europe is far ahead of us in electronica. Japan has the market cornered on lounge. US death metal has a significant threat to the south, as every Mexican under 30 is in a death metal band (not to mention that every Mexican over 30 likes polka, and likes to blast it from their cars, believe it or not). England had it down pat, at least at one point- but I can't think of any brits of late who can rock and roll all night and party ever-y day. It's just that there's something about America that enables us to rock out like no other country.

I honestly think it's hubris. Why else do you think they call it "cock rock"? America's flag should have a giant foam finger on it, and the proof is in Detroit steel behemoths, in our imperialism, our anti-environmental policies saying "fuck you, eat our industrial poo" to the rest of the world, our sprawl, our butt implants, our Super Size, our this, our that, our alla the above. America is the land of excess. Everybody knows that a country based on growth while its resources are finite is doomed to crash- we're just all gambling that it will be after we're dead. Just like how Saturday night you're drunk and stoned and you have a lighter in one hand and your other hand raised, pinkie and index finger extended, and you think that the band is God but in the back of your head you know that Sunday you're going to wake up at noon and fart around the house and then Monday it's back to the coining plant to stamp out compressor mounts and watch that clock crawl backwards. Other countries have a sense of responsibility, a sense of community, and a deep connection to the past. All we've got is excess, and it's one of the things that fuels the love/hate relationship I have with my motherland. I think this is the greatest country on Earth. I think this is the worst country on Earth. I never wanna leave, but we're circling the drain, and when the shit comes down it will be fight or flight, no doubt about it.

If I ever were to leave this country, I would become an ambassador of all that is good about America. I'll wear a cowboy outfit and get one of those backpacks that has a ghetto-blaster built into it, and I'll blast the D whereever I go and beseech all who I meet to "be excellent to each other". Sure, Europeans hate Americans- but look who we've given em! They've only met the rich brats who've got nothing better to do than mooch their way around Europe and try to get laid and occasionally look at some statues and stuff- of course they're hated, because any American who thinks Europe is cooler than the U.S. deserves to be hated, by Americans for their treachery and by Europeans because they could never get it, they could never be European, not in a million years. So I'll avoid Europe, or at least the snootlands- after all, every single one of my ancestors found the place so unbearable that they left! I'll travel the rest of the world and try to model myself after what the rest of the world sees of America, as in Quentin Crisp's statement that "it's just like in the movies, only more so." And my message will be that of the D's song of exalt and joy:

We only came to kick some ass.
rockthefuckinhouse, and kick some ass.
What we gonna do with all the cash? Smoke hash!
And then we'll thrash...
and throw a big ol' bash y'all!
And everyone is invited to the bash...