So Kate Schutt was playing at Uncommon Ground, a coffee shop. I hate coffee shops. They thrive on the type of person who likes the idea of sitting in a coffee shop. It's like self-reinforcing pretention. I've been in only one other in the city, up in Lincoln Square where I used to live. Five minutes in that place and BER BER BER the snot-meter's going off all over and we're surrounded by self-righteous white-tower liberals and service staff whose rudeness could put a record-store clerk to shame.

I was surprised by this place. They had meat on the menu. The wait staff seemed nice... but BER BER BER no smoking in there! Now, this by itself is only a red flag. It doesn't assure unbearable snottiness. But it betrays the underlying philosophy of leftism, a belief that one's lifestyle choices can and should be pushed onto others. The very phrase bleeding-heart comes from this attitude of whining about little injustices while ignoring the fact that the world is a tough place. That the universe is cold and harsh. That life is, in fact, a bitch. Now, I believe that our goal as a society is to move away from kill-or-be-killed and towards interdependancy, with basic human needs and rights for all. But I recognize that my views are not the views of the people of this country, and to push them on them will only piss them off.

Vegetarians and- shudder- vegans are the worst about this. You don't often meet vegetarians who don't carry their dietary choice like a chip on their shoulder. Or rather, you do, but you don't notice they're vegetarian, because they don't scoff in disgust at what's on your plate. People who don't eat meat but who don't care what I meet? Cool. Good for you, and I mean it. You'll probably live longer. People who wanna tell me what to eat? I got some meat for ya, riiiight here.

Not eating meat for dietary reasons is very wise. It makes you feel a lot better. Not eating meat because you like the widdle animals is stupid. That's right, your lifestyle choice is stupid. You are doing something for a stupid reason. You're making fake hot dogs and burgers and bacon out of soybeans because you don't like the idea of something dying for you, when in fact you're connected to a society that is killing, constantly, in countless ways. You cut meat out of your diet, you're reducing the amount of death you're responsible for by a miniscule percentage.

This is why vegans deserve a pimp-slap. Vegetarianism can be a choice for one's health. Veganism is UNHEALTHY, and for a stupid, stupid reason. Now that I'm seven years away from that idealistic first year in college, I know way too many radical lefitists who are starting to suffer from things like B12 deficiency. On one hand, their illness is something to feel sorry about, but on the other hand, you wanna smack 'em and say, "What the fuck did you think would happen when you didn't eat right, dumbshit?"

Y'see, vegans and vegetarians on the widdle-animal kick are all hypocrites. They are complicit, yet self-righteous. Would a vegan with this no-animal-products chip on their shoulder drink milk from Bessie, the family cow who's been coddled and brushed and well-fed her whole life? I doubt it, it would shatter their black and white world view. Would a vegetarian turn down a meal that contained meat if it were a gift from a hungry villiage in the third world? I bet they would, insulting the town. Stick a vegetarian or vegan on a desert island with nothing to eat but bacon and see how long they last. It's like the old joke- how many Straight-edgers does it take to drink a six-pack? One, if he's all alone.

Speaking of jokes, does humor come from some protein in steak? Because it seems that once people stop eating it, they lose their ability to enjoy life. It all ties back into this coffeehouse culture, where we can tittle-tittle about snotty literary references but can't ever belly-laugh about anything that might offend anyone. Gloria-Stalinist feminists, vegans, nonsmokers, women who are lesbian purely for political reasons, coffee-shop patrons... it's like they've forgotten how to enjoy life. Like making a lifestyle choice that makes you feel superior to others allows you to erect a barrier between yourself and anyone who you deem wrong in one way or another. I know, because I headed down this path myself. You lose the ability to forgive, to accept flaw, and it makes you miserable. Then, since misery loves company, you lash out at meat-eaters, smokers, whatever your chip of choice is. Well guess what? It sucks to be you. Here's a stepladder, get down off of the high horse, and come wallow in the mud. Allow yourself to err. Your white-tower friends won't forgive you, but the rest of us will. After all, WE'RE only human.

So the epilogue is that the coffeehouse turned out to be snooty after all. The friendly waitperson must have been new there or something. The rest of the crew quickly dispelled our initial estimation. But since Ellis and Kate keep playing there, if I wanna see 'em I gotta go. Maybe I'll order ice water and light up a ceegar.