Oh lordy. I've had so much trouble with telecom providers, spent so much time on hold, that it's stopped being frustrating and moved to expected and then amusing. This is a bad sign.

The latest attempt at customer-screwing has come from AT&T, or American Telegraph & Totallyfuckyouover. I get this bill for $14.20 for long distance from a company I've never been a customer of. If I don't pay it, they'll cancel my service (oh no! Don't cancel the service I didn't sign up for!) and I'll be entered in the National Consumer Telecommunications Data Exchange, which is just like the US Merchandisers Association, both of which are just big databases shared by the whole industry to deny service to anyone in the database. I don't care about the $14, or even the principle, but if I'm in the NCTDE, the next time I try to sign up for phone service, they'll say "sorry but no". USMA is even worse- they record incidents of pilfering or shoplifting- not arrests, not convictions, but incidents. If you're even suspected of shoplifting, like maybe you enter a store while being black and they search you and find nothing, you go in the database, and they might kick you out of any store. A friend of mine was caught shoplifting in a Meijer, and months later was actually stopped at the door by security in another Meijer, who either bounced a security cam image of his face off of the DB or just went by his plate numbers.

So I call AT&T and they say that I can't contest the charge. I just can't. They show that I signed up for AT&T on September 11, 2001.

Lady, I said, I assure you that on September 11, 2001, I was not concerned with who my long distance provider was. I don't know what you were doing that day, but I remember it succinctly, and the foremost thought in my mind was not who was going to provide my long distance service from that day on, but rather whether or not there would be a that day on.

It's good to know that even in times of strife and uncertainty, telecom companies were still striving to screw people over.

So she says I need to take it up with my local provider, Amerifuckers. Well, I quit them for a month, and ever since I came back, I've been on the "Ass-Kiss" plan, which means they'll do anything to keep me as a customer. Even a little dance, even though I wouldn't be able to see them do it. In fact, they've been so good (monthly bill down from $140 to $29) that I'm going to promote them from "Amerifuckers" to "Amerifucks", as they have been very good to me lately and are no longer fuckers, the fucks. My friendly asskissing rep said right off the bat, "You been slammed" and offered to stay on the line with me and call ATT back.

I called them back, and as soon as I said, "I been slammed" they transferred me to the "Slam Line", which strikes me as pretty funny when I should be pissed off. Slamming, in case it hasn't happened to you yet, is just when they switch your LD provider without permission and charge you big bucks until you notice it. So for a company to have a special line dedicated to fixing a problem it creates deliberately is akin to Microsoft's 900-number tech support for all of their "features", or maybe the Dow Chemical Flipper-Baby Hotline or even Firestone SUV Tire Refund Line.

The lady on the Slam line was a real hardass and got into a terse argument with the Amerifucks rep, and in the end, said that if I didn't want to pay the $14 then I'd have to take it up with my local branch of the FCC. Just wonderful. They charge me for something I didn't ask for, and then when I don't pay, threaten to ding me for life (not to mention ding my credit) unless I call the FCC over a measly $14. And I know they've spent more than that on postage and materials with all the collection notices. At this point, my Customer Asskissing Assistant offers to adjust the amount in order to provide the best possible yackety smackety.

I had her put a Pick Freeze on my local toll and LD providers. I'd advise you all to do the same.