There was a bike festival in Wicker Park today, the West Town Bike Fest, and the parade was to be led by the combined forces of the Chicago Cruisers and Just Cruisin. These two clubs were guys obsessed with beach cruisers- adding lights, extra chrome, radios, raccoon tails on the ends of the handlebars(!?), even fake exhaust pipes- making their bikes into the closest thing to a car on two wheels with no motor. So of course we choppaholics had to represent. I took Noam, now geniunely rideable, and met Al the Pal (riding Chopasaurus Rex) and Chopper Bob (riding Hoser). Also present was Lee Ravenscroft.

Lee is the guy who runs the bicycle foreign aid program out of the basement of a building his wife owns. He has a lot of bikes on hand to mess with, and apparently a lot of time too.

This guy is a genius, and an artist, though probably not intentionally. What he does is directly opposite of me, he tries to take function as far as it can go, rather than form. His specialty is making those homemmade recumbents. One of his was there, with a big honking 2X4 platform on the back that supported the rider's folding camping chair. There were pictures taken, I'll show you all these things. He also brought along a 2 wheel drive bike where the handlebar is another set of cranks that you pedal and steer with, a bike that you can swap off your legs and arms on but is otherwise functionally useless. Then he rode a 10-speed with a clamp around the seat post attached to a long 2X4 that was attached to a 2-wheel dolly, laid down with a platform on it. On this platform were two plastic lawn chairs, facing each other. During the parade, the driver in the race (see below) sat in one of the chairs. That Lee is crazy and amazing.

We rode around the neighborhood and made a lot of noise. Some of the cruisers had devices on them that made a *lot* of noise, sirens and sound effects and such. We had several portable stereos. The three choppers rode behind in a flying vee, along with Lee's freak bikes. I'd say there were 70 people on the ride, maybe more, and the freak bikers were out in full force.

Then a bike messenger rock band played, and a troupe of belly dancers called "Read My Hips" danced. There were free bike repairs and a free bike workshop. There was a race- go to three stores and buy stuff and come back here- between a person on a bike and a car. The biker won, of course, but it would be something else to see that race to Ikea. ;)

A bunch of us left and rode to the beach. We each went into the supermarket and grabbed what we felt like eating, and then we all shared it out on a breakwater looking out at the lake. The beaches were packed, and we wanted to get away, so we rode our bikes way out there. It was a genuine childish moment, going "riding bikes" and then taking a snack to the lake. An act of pure innocence, free of motivation other than fun, so rare in my life these days. These days, I do a lot of things for a reason, and chopping and riding my bike is what I do not for a reason.

One person commented about the amount of comments and curses we were getting. I guess I'd grown immune to it. Sure, people like freak bikes and say, "cool bike! bitchin chopper! love your bike!" but just as many say, "Dumbass! Fuckface! Retard! What the fuck are you doing on that dumb bike? Fuck you asshole!" and so on. Even cynical, joyless little kids, seven years old, telling me to fuck off because my bike is wacky. There's a lot of anger out there, and I don't think it's at choppers, but the bike unlocks it. Bikefreeek won't even ride one of his funnybikes unless it's a parade- he hates the way every day is a parade on one of them. Me? I dunno. I'm physically incapable of doing some things normally. I can't explain it. The PR guy who I met on Fullerton, who had chopped his bike, said it best. He didn't speak any english, so when I asked him why he chopped his bike, he just shrugged. That's my answer to the why question as well, I guess. Eh, why not?

We made sure to stop at Hammacher Schlemmer to peer at their Zero Emission Machine. It's basically a bike car- headlights, disc brakes, and rideable by one to four persons. The neat thing is that each person has a shifter, and can adjust their pedal rate independant of anyone else. So you can take the fam or some buds and each person can bike as much as they feel like. This thing is high-tech, Hammacher Schlemmer (German for: "Crap You Don't Need But You've Got More Cash Than You Could Ever Spend") wanted $1600 for it (+$150 S&H). I'd bet the web site would sell them cheaper. Depends on where you are I guess.

Then we chopped on home. Total distance: 21.4 miles. That's the longest measured distance I've taken Noam on. Oy gevalt, my butt-bone hurt! I can feel Phase 3 ready to swoop in, with a more comfortable seat. Stay tuned to non.primate.net/chopper.

The two best parts of the day:

1) All the kids in the park tried to ride our choppers, and they were all too small for bikes made for us. But they figured it out anyway. Those kids can ride anything with one or more wheels.

So for the rest of the day, anytime an adult tried to ride it and failed and tried to give up, we all yelled, "Those little kids did it!" and it would force them to show those shorties up.

2) I heard one of my favorite types of comments today. It's a rare one, because it requires a certain situation. A family walks by, and the little boy says, "Wow! What kinda bike is thaaaaat!?!?!" and the father puts his hand on the little kid's shoulder and says, "Son, that's a chopper."